Monday, October 12, 2009

Inhibiting as I Go On

Creating an internet identity for myself is a new endeavor.

I do it for simple reasons, I want to teach the Alexander Technique in my community.

And I heard a rumor that the internet is an incredibly efficient means for people to get information about local businesses, educational opportunities, questions of interest like, "What the hell is the Alexander Technique anyway?"

So I adventure forth into this completely unknown stimulus of communicating my understanding of and excitement about the Alexander Technique through the written word and the internet.

I shall use this moment as an exploration of inhibition which is the cornerstone of the Alexander Technique.

I recognize that I really want....I really, really, really want everyone who reads this to understand my thoughts and passions. Hell, I really, really, really want all of the millions of people who read this blog to fly to Portland, OR and take Alexander Technique lessons with me so we can explore the nature of action and reaction in them as an individual. It would be such great fun! My heart leaps quietly with this fantasy.

And so I stop.

When I say, "I stop", what do I mean?

In this case, given the strength of my desire to do well and the newness of the activity, stopping took me some time.

I took my hands off the keyboard. I let the awareness of my self going up in this gravitational field, my hands hanging at my side, my sitbones on the wooden chair beneath me, and my feet on the floor be a part of my awareness that Extracto Coffeehouse is very warm and the leaves are blowing outside.

But I was also thinking about what I would type next.

Well, that's all well and good, letting my mind wander a bit while I watched the leaves. But I wanted to make sure I gave my desire to do this blog right and my conception of what right is in this moment the opportunity to change. Because maybe doing this blog right is easier than I am making it as I run through the four hundred eighty-four things I want everyone to know about my experience of the Alexander Technique.

I wanted to remind myself that I have the freedom to let the unknown and efficient right occur easily.

So I put my gloves on and walked outside the coffee shop, away from my computer.

And I stood on the sidewalk. I was aware of my feet on the ground as I was aware of the noisiness of Killingsworth and the man who looked at me curiously from his 4 wheel drive vehicle. I watched the leaves, I felt the breeze, all the while aware of my self existing in this space.

I stopped writing this post. I stopped thinking about what I wanted to write.

And after a moment of simply being, I chose to walk back to my computer. And as I sat down and as I began typing again, I stopped frequently, renewing my sense being in space as I go about fulfilling my desires.

I did all this stopping because I love desire. I love communicating. I love the idea that someone might read this and understand.

But I have found, as F.M. Alexander proposed, I am much more likely to be successful at fulfilling my desires if I approach them with freedom and ease.

It's like when you really want to find you keys. You look and look and LOOK. You get all knotted up and anxious. You trip over the cat three times. You bust your knee on the stove. And, then, your roommate hands you your keys and tells you they were on the ground beneath the front table where you always leave them. If you had stopped and given yourself some space from the intensity of your desire to find the keys, you might have looked more slowly, more methodically through the most likely places they would be. Your chances of success would have been better.

It sounds so simple! But I am so good at going fast and I am so good at getting things DONE (even if they are not done their best and my back is really sore after the fact) that I have to practice this kind of mindfulness and freedom of choice as often as I can remember to.

And so I go on. I observe myself in failure and in success daily. I am there for all of it. And so I go on.